The past breaks the future 

My heart is a stone
I lie in the arms of my lover unmoved
My heart is a cherry blossom
As it craves a sensual touch
My heart is a river wide
Drowning with tears, rising upon the banks
And flooding homes

My heart is a stone
As I lie untouched in my lover’s arms
It hardens with craving
And yearns to be spoiled

My heart is a leaky faucet
The bolts are loose and weak
It drips and drops rust coloured water
From pipes older than the house
They reside in

My heart has lived a thousand lives
It doesn’t know How to trust another
After all the war it’s witnessed
And pain it’s caused

Irreparable damage held together
With a duct tape heart
Frayed seams
Caulked valves
Antifreeze in my veins
So I am not ice

But I am rock
Hard as diamond
And yet pretty not
Reflecting light not
All for naught

My heart is a stone
I threw through the window
Of a young man’s house

And I am waiting for him to return it.

April Poem

I climbed up to where their eyes couldn’t see
A secret ledge on which to perch
Built into mud and over hung with rock
A cliff face to which I clung with care
One misstep and I’d be toast
But that did not deter me in the slightest
As I scrambled up the hill,
Building my muscles
with each push of my leg
and pull of my arm.
My abdomen activating
In support of my system.
I felt energized and exhausted
Confident and terrified
Thinking only of where
To put my foot next.
Thinking of the plan
Not the consequence.

And so here I sit,
With an eye on much of the forest below
The air is cooling get as the sky darkens
And winter chilled water drops slowly
Upon me from the river carved rock
There is so much sound around me
But it signals life and strength and courage
In the spite of all our ignorance and idiocy
Selfishness and greed.
The forest stands apart, even still,
Even after the atrocious rape we have
Committed and continue to commit.
Here I sit, apart and embraced from and by
Our odd world with its mysteries of
Meaning and or lack thereof.
Pondering and wondering and hoping and fearing. 

There are piles of scat all around me.
I think maybe a raccoon frequents here.
The raccoon has now appeared to me many times.
Along with the deer. And the red backed salamander. 
And I sit with the scat not wanting to leave.
For one, I fear that I may slip and fall to my death.
For another I fear I will have to go back to a regular dull life, unmagical existence enshrined within four walls with an agenda and a Neverending stream of tasks requiring the participation  in a society I wish to withdraw from.

Even here I am sure that the red jacket and blue jacket on the ground across the creek were watching my ascent and even Pondering how to do it themselves. Go away, I thought, annoyed that anyone should be privy to my adventurous (foolish) courage that led me to my vantage point.  But then there it is. Sometimes to go after what you want you must become vulnerable, exposed. Is it worth the risk? Are you more apt to slip? Clearly I perform well under the pressure.  But my real desire is to escape it all.

And so I return to my high volume quiet.
I dare not stay much longer as I start to feel the cold gnawing back into my bones and I know it will be still a climb to get out of here.
So I enjoy a few more moments of stillness
as I sit, an observer
Transparent eye in the forest
Withdraw from participation
And count the thoughts that bubble up
On a calm formless ocean
And disappear once more
Only an imprint left on a
Very subtle mind
Essentially forgotten
Until connection with the divine
Awakens your senses once more

This is the sublime. 

As water falls

Moments like these
teetering on the edge,
nearest to death
we feel most alive.
So easy to slip makes
our grip that much tighter
when hours ago, I could see
no point in carrying on
a powerful awakening
of all senses through
nature grounds me to
the here and now.
If I could live like this forever
I would not know sorrow,
only joy and nostalgia for
the sublime.
This feeling pressing upon my
chest, sending chills down
my sweaty spine
lends me a euphoria
no drug can mimic.
Let me lay my head near
the running river so I
may rest, alive, in peace.

Please explicate

Confusing thoughts
back and forth in my brain
but to you I can’t explain
to you I can’t explain
can’t explain
I can’t explain

A tongue-tied picture
I can’t paint
Out of character
and seeming staged
a player’s stage
we’re all but players
the world’s a stage
world’s my stage
a stage

Am I the Queen of Disks
passed through an arid stretch?
Can I give myself loving attention
gift of energy, joy in living and health?
What is joy in living?
Have you been sleepwalking this life?
Are not the sweetest realities
but thoughts and dreams?
stars and dreams
Happiness is a dream

I held a small and fragile thing
in my hand
but it fell apart like sand
slipped away like sand
or I crushed it like
castles made of sand
never last
can’t last
present past

A liminal space
to hang my coat
a doorway, elevator, beach
or twilight zone
I can’t stay afloat
holes purposely drilled
in this wooden boat
carrying fortune and pearls
losing fortune and pearls
losing purity, hope
boys and girls
boys and girls

A change is in the air
in the wind, through the trees
I hear it at night
in my bed, in my dreams
I wander off, in waking life
by the river, by the lake
lulled by the waves, and pulled
by the tide
having waded in the tide
nearly drowned in caves
where I’ve tried to hide,
burying past lives,
burying treasure, stories, lies
fiction is a lie
living a lie
I can’t lie

Confusing thoughts
back and forth in my mind
but to you I am inclined
to you I am inclined
so inclined
to redefine
prudence and rationality
for who needs a sound mind
I am not of sound mind
redefine
hollow mind

I will never be a strawman
dead man
hollow man
opaque and empty
lazy and deluded
I am disillusioned, not enchanted
not enchanting
how many times can you be labelled
a downer before
you realize you’re not a realist
but a pessimistic cynic
tired of life’s gimmick
never one to mimic
the hollow man
the stuffed man
exploring the dead land
under fading star
realizing we’ve not come far
travelled far
not very far

As I spew a poison
As I snare a hare
As I cough up venomous tongues
I cannot help but care
Though I try and plan escape
my feet stay rooted here
and so I feel conflicted
I still remain in sight
while longing to disappear
I’ll fade away
under fading star
starlight, star bright
star I haven’t seen tonight
come back tonight
tonight

Confusing thoughts
back and forth in my brain
but to you I can’t explain
to you I can’t explain
can’t explain
I can’t explain

Relative Synecdoche

I am revealed in pieces,
chip away, mine me, deep sea dive me,
peer through the holes in curtains covering dusty windows
and perhaps you will see pieces of my tapestry
carefully woven throughout my life,
guided not by Three Fates, but my own hand
my own choices, deliberate and purposeful
even when scattered and careless
appearance and reality rarely run parallel paths

See this life, a conscious collection of action, thought, feeling
unconscious collaboration of infinite lifetimes
forgotten memories, shared histories erased by rebirth
compassion, kindness, love, learned patience through
trial and tribulation, rejoice to replace envy
and work to plant good seeds, nurturing
the growth of peace and joy

Oh beloved friend, I have opened my mind
so that I can learn all I’m able, absorb all I may
to in turn understand you with a knowledge
that comes from communion and connection
a closeness I feel in my breast and dissolve upon
a white heart of Philia and Agape, perhaps Pragma
and so many other loves born of curiosity and bred by passion

Yet when you look at me you stand in marvel
for I am still robed though you were undressed.
while I find that most are comforted in the revelation
that someone will not just understand, but uplift
and I delight in my talented comprehension of
the human condition, enjoying the like-minded energy
we may share, I walk invisible past the mirror
I wouldn’t look into, fearful of the narcissistic pull
having learned my lesson over a thousand existences,
drowning while loving only a reflection of myself.

The time for seeing with our eyes is over
(did it ever exist?)
A time for feeling with our hearts is within reach
(it always was)
exploration and curiosity is a must
(as is trust)
patience a virtue, not to be misplaced
(as pieces fast uncovered are just as fast erased)

I put my hand in your hand, fingers interlaced
I try to walk as fast, just to keep the pace
I try to uncover myself, reveal in harmony
a time lapsed story, a linear retrace
but it’s so hard for me to strip down to base
to keep things in order and memory trace
as things in my mind are cyclical, the Relativity staircase,
a spiral, repetitive journey, in love, lessons and grace

I thank you for your patience
I thank you for your time
I thank you for investment
of heart and soul and mind
As I watched the sun rise and watched the sun set,
I selfishly had wondered, what out of this world I get
Instead of pouring in everything I have
and letting my reflection shine back a most selfless mindset

Now that change has happened, and growth will still occur
I share these pieces of myself, and with love and trust refer
you to these stories, a tapestry of me
A puzzle missing pieces, a tale told out of turn,
mixed up metaphors and fragmented synecdoche
to in part reveal a whole, something for which to yearn
I won’t make you deep sea dive or without light explore the caves
I won’t let you drown in depths, nor alone survive the waves.

I am the guide through my own life, for those who sit and wait
for those who give and share with me
who ache to still explore
I am revealed in pieces, so listen carefully
a slivered wound, manifold whole,
messy, clean, and unmasked soul
torn and frayed tapestry, resewn at some seams
gleaming, shiny, sparkling bright
pure and unadulterated light
a woods with growth old and new
forest fires, just a few…

So I will tell my tale to those
who’ve fought and understand
with checked privilege, proof of patience
those who’ve taken stand
You have a story that I’ve heard,
and so I’ll give my word
I’ll sing unlike the caged bird
for I’m already free.
I’ll sing my song for those pure hearts
who lust to undo me.

Why Not Wednesday?

Reflections while people-watching

As I sit, I can’t help but watch families and wonder what kids are learning. They are a mystery to me, but I’m told often, they are sponges – always listening, observing, learning (especially those who have not buried their faces and eyes downward into a cell phone or iPad).

I recall the angrily typed Facebook post of a mother who struggled to get her children to see a cashier at Dairy Queen as human: the children greedily grabbed their cones in delightful and anxious anticipation without eye contact, thank yous, or other basic niceties.

I think about this as I watch parents do the same to me and other employees doing their jobs about the mall. Parents pull their children away from people speaking to them in mid-sentence; they do not wish the cashier a good day; they thank no one for an exchange of time. They buy their children toys and then get angry with them for asking for more. No one values anything. Worse, no one takes responsibility.

Who is paying the price?

 

Pronoun

No singularity defines her and she is bound by no laws.

She dances to the wind with the grasses and trees.

She is starlight and nothing physical or meta will bind her. She is not a chocolate to be unwrapped, a body to be undressed. She is sunshine and unspoken words. Nameless as a breath, but just as vital.

She is stormy, a fierce water wide and strong. She calls tempest or she calls calm.

She is purpose and purposeful.

She resides beside a hateful void of pitch and ire. She holds the key to Pandora’s box which was originally broke ope by Adam. She has condemned Adam.

She is judge, jury and life giver. Life bringer. She wields only arrows of Truth.

She plays and toys and laughs a tune. She takes it in stride. She calls Death to play the serious role and she chooses Life.

She is unearthly though of this earth. She is not the rose of June.

She is yearning. She is desire. She is in spite of man’s folly. She is in spite of disaster.

She is timeless and truth. Truth beauty.

Endless.