Smoke to Die

“Y’all smoke to enjoy it.  I smoke to die.” –John Green, Looking for Alaska

Fuck. Fuck.
Fffffhhh.  Uhhh. KKKKKKhhhh.

Fuck life, fuck love, fucking lust.
Just…must thrust
through rotten trust, cosmic dust, angel dust – disgust.

I cussed.

Bit, bite, bitten, battered, broke.
Hold hands up, defend from choke –

I spoke the joke that came out as croak
I spat the smoke as cough evokes



Stomach pumped, slumped grump
called me the chump when I was bumped

To third class.

What an ass.

Tear gas, harass the string bass
players en masse, das
– the last pass, cut glass
for our grass

To burn.

Burning taste in my mouth,
tongue taste, heading south:
due south, deep south
body buzz, head rush word of mouth
to cheek blush.

Crush crush crush

Flush.  The Shit.  Scrub brush,
the guy’s a tool, what a lush,
but anyway: start to gush

Hush, hush.

I’ve prayed for death
she’s off the meth,
sudden death, loss of breath
unanswered prayers – make me Macbeth?

Shakespeare – now they jeer,
while I drink beer, mouth washed – fear
of smoke, smear, sneers from peers
I tried to steer clear and hope this year

Is not mere-
ly here so you can

Never again, old man,
will I be less than, plain-Ann –
your game plan?



I want so badly to be indifferent
I wish wholeheartedly not to feel

But every word, and every smile
forces my memory to reveal

The hidden thoughts, a secret world
I’ve tried quite often to bury

Because no one here could understand
and shouldn’t I be wary

To reveal what was once concealed
and so boldly preserved

A thought to spark this secret desire
what’s worse, I thought I deserved…

He didn’t care, he wouldn’t dare
to become someone who loved

And this I pushed aside with glee,
thinking I’d avoided being shoved

This way, that way, back and forth
A world I cared not to know

But now I stand on ground well trodden
feeling things I’d long forgotten, see the glow

And how it shows the light in my eyes
at the same time with the light is the dark

It always overwhelms and swells
sadness hunts joy, sorrow a shark

Cutting through the happy waters
of my tepid disposition

As it swells and rises like a tide
when my bosom holds this recognition

And so I stand up to say, I’m sorry,
I can’t, good bye and I must go

We can’t be friends because of this
thing I can’t let go, even though, even though…


I’m smiling,
Smiling wide.  I’d like to thank you for bringing this smile to my lips.

My mouth is opened slightly and my eyelids lowered.
I’m in a happy daze as you embellish on my hips:

Embellish stories of flooding, create stories of rolling hills, moving clouds,
A rocking earth which shivers and trembles at the hand of the gods.

“Don’t close your eyes / What if it all Disappears in the shadows that reach for the stars?”

I hold my breath and close my eyes
And when I release myself I am no longer here
Sometimes you just need to get away
Sometimes the best way to do it is to just close your eyes
I am no longer me, I am no longer you
I don’t know anything in the silence of my mind
It is all closed off
My breathing is shallow and sometimes hard to make out
Am I really alive? Sometimes it’s hard to tell
The shadows cover the corners, of the room, of my eyes
Screams come from the stars
What once was silent and peaceful
Is broken.