I have empty gaps in my mind
from a time I was so sad
I can’t remember even though I want to

What did I do each day
and how did I get out of bed
and what did I learn in school

These pieces are out of my grasp
and I want to blame you for these sorrows
but I can only blame myself for the bad investment


Soft Afternoons

It’s that glimmer of hope
that gets caught in my throat
when I see your words
or hear your name.
Something that could have spilt
from your very lips
was caught on a breeze
that drifted past my ear
one soft afternoon.

Shadows playing on a baby’s face –
you probably could have painted
something more unique than
that shit, but I just thought
of you and didn’t care,
not even of the crying or noises
at the park,
one soft afternoon.

The grass blades on my hand,
made me think of every time
we experienced our senses
at a greater height
to have them
.     fall
.             fall from a greater
height, than sheep have known,
even on a soft afternoon.

Clouds in the sky, in my room, in your eyes
in our throats, in your hair, in my nose;
coughing, seeing, laughing, loving,
holding, blowing, thinking, knowing,
and questioning all that we
thought was wrong,
on a soft afternoon.


I was suffering severely when I wrote those words that like torrents of tears poured from my mouth, my face – and face is the value you took them at: a mistake.  The words that push you away were meant to call you back.  Back to the place that we once started from. Friends.  Fearless friends that fought, that fought each other, fought against the bad, bad that is in the words, the world, the whirlwind of thoughts we had, that echoed each other.

ode to a friend

feeling forlorn on this midnight run
what is a friend, if not one who walks beside you?
several times i almost walked into traffic and you were not there to stop me, to tell me it was wrong
learning is not so fun alone as it is with another.
when we were little and all we cared about was playing in the mud…
i miss those times.
these are not so fun.
the days when my adventures were not hurdles to be conquered on my own
those felt so much safer
i want to search for caves that are not there, filled with make-believe bears
i want to wade through pretend swamps and dive into deep waters which are only the willows in the field.
with you those things were possible, with you my friend.
but here? there are no imagined caves – there are real caves filled with work and danger and life
there are real bears who will eat you and your clothes and your finances
there are true swamps and the more you struggle to get out, the more you are pulled into the mire and muck
and sometimes it seems the deep waters are rising over my head.
I miss the times when I would swim with you to the beach and we had not a care but to lie in the sun and avoid the burn
now i must think of skin cancer and consequences
and you must think of battle scars and the hardships that lie ahead

what keeps me going then…i will tell you though I know you are already filled with this knowledge.
soon, soon there will be a break and we will reunite.
we have a place that only we may go, because for only we know its magic
and though at times it is haunted, it is with good memories
and though at times it’s scary, we have each other to protect and like be protected by
this is one place, but there are many
and every time and everywhere is always a place when i’m with you
and there is always an adventure
and the air is always filled with laughter

and suddenly, the traffic of life is gone
the petty squalor and fights have left my life
i don’t trouble and worry about those who rise up against me
for who can with you by my side?  i know you will always be on my side, you will always defend me

on this night i make hot chocolate. i write to you. i miss my childhood, although i know that it will be rekindled in mere weeks
i know that anything is possible, and as the hot cocoa flows through me and i am warmed inside out, defrosted from the cold and terror which i have just escaped
I know that you are also warm and safe and thinking of me.