Please explicate

Confusing thoughts
back and forth in my brain
but to you I can’t explain
to you I can’t explain
can’t explain
I can’t explain

A tongue-tied picture
I can’t paint
Out of character
and seeming staged
a player’s stage
we’re all but players
the world’s a stage
world’s my stage
a stage

Am I the Queen of Disks
passed through an arid stretch?
Can I give myself loving attention
gift of energy, joy in living and health?
What is joy in living?
Have you been sleepwalking this life?
Are not the sweetest realities
but thoughts and dreams?
stars and dreams
Happiness is a dream

I held a small and fragile thing
in my hand
but it fell apart like sand
slipped away like sand
or I crushed it like
castles made of sand
never last
can’t last
present past

A liminal space
to hang my coat
a doorway, elevator, beach
or twilight zone
I can’t stay afloat
holes purposely drilled
in this wooden boat
carrying fortune and pearls
losing fortune and pearls
losing purity, hope
boys and girls
boys and girls

A change is in the air
in the wind, through the trees
I hear it at night
in my bed, in my dreams
I wander off, in waking life
by the river, by the lake
lulled by the waves, and pulled
by the tide
having waded in the tide
nearly drowned in caves
where I’ve tried to hide,
burying past lives,
burying treasure, stories, lies
fiction is a lie
living a lie
I can’t lie

Confusing thoughts
back and forth in my mind
but to you I am inclined
to you I am inclined
so inclined
to redefine
prudence and rationality
for who needs a sound mind
I am not of sound mind
redefine
hollow mind

I will never be a strawman
dead man
hollow man
opaque and empty
lazy and deluded
I am disillusioned, not enchanted
not enchanting
how many times can you be labelled
a downer before
you realize you’re not a realist
but a pessimistic cynic
tired of life’s gimmick
never one to mimic
the hollow man
the stuffed man
exploring the dead land
under fading star
realizing we’ve not come far
travelled far
not very far

As I spew a poison
As I snare a hare
As I cough up venomous tongues
I cannot help but care
Though I try and plan escape
my feet stay rooted here
and so I feel conflicted
I still remain in sight
while longing to disappear
I’ll fade away
under fading star
starlight, star bright
star I haven’t seen tonight
come back tonight
tonight

Confusing thoughts
back and forth in my brain
but to you I can’t explain
to you I can’t explain
can’t explain
I can’t explain

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Why Not Wednesday

Part 2 to “The Path of Englightment”

I never whisper.
My voice is loud, a raucous disturbance, ever ignoring the “Shush!”
I am never quiet.

I never hesitate.
Words and ideas spill, tumbling out of my mind.
I eagerly share. I am most often right. I provide solutions.
I never keep silent.

I am always moving.
Desk work is not an option, only an afterthought.
I run, jump, jiggle and squirm, hum and tap my foot to music.
Or no music. There is always something, a magical force unseen, driving movement.
I am never lethargic.

I am always hopeful.
I believe that change is possible, and that we are drivers of it.
I watch Trews, true news, news you can trust, Russell Brand.
I read Jezebel, watch TED talks, push articles on ideas of radical change.
I watch shows that make me laugh, and I dream of writing them one day.
I never despair.

I am happy.
Sure, occasionally I’m down, and then up and then down but then up again.
I am happy when I watch stand up. I am happy at home and at play.
I am sometimes called cynical – this I believe, but I am always an optimist.
I read in escapism, a happy tale with a happy ending.
I am confident and assured. I lead friends to fun and adventure, endless.
I never cry.

I never will
I never will
I never will
I never will
I never will
I never will
I never will

I never will feel trapped in a system of, not an endemic cage of systematic oppression or perjury. I never will allow the purging of the weak and disadvantaged.

If I witness terror, if I am close enough to feel the heat of its breath,
the anguish of inevitably, inescapable…
I will escape. I will help others.
I never will be one with the rich, the oppressors, share that mindset,
that destitution of morality, the greed.
I never will believe that you are that way because you deserve it, but I will take into account what you have been deprived of, what desperate circumstances have brought you here. The deserving sentence being social justice, income equality, equal opportunity.

I may witness the utmost veracity in the irrefutable fact of
violence committed against those unworthy of its abuse
But I never will tolerate it.

I will wreak havoc with the system.
I will be a thorn in its side.
I will hold a candle to the dark.

Perfection is tedium. Consistency is lifeless.
I never will walk this narrow path they’ve laid
which anticipates the death of many.
Mental, Physical and Spiritual Deaths.
I will walk unafraid.

We can dismantle this path together,
knowing it currently leads to
the abyss of anguish
the hollows of hopelessness
a ditch of desperation.

I never will agonize over avarice.
I condemn these useless trivial pursuits and malicious stipends,
ripped from the mouths of babes.

That is never how you build a community
to love, to share, to support.
That is how you destroy a world.
That is useless.

I never will be useless.

The Path of Enlightenment

I never used to whisper.
My voice was loud, up to a raucous disturbance in need of a “Shush!”
I never used to be quiet

I never used to hesitate.
Words and ideas would spill, tumbling out of my mind.
I was eager to share. I was most often right. I provided solutions.
I never used to keep silent.

I never used to sit still.
Desk work was never an option, only an afterthought.
I would run, move, jiggle, and squirm, hum and tap my foot to music.
Or no music. There was always something, a magical force unseen that drove movement.
I never used to be lethargic.

I never used to feel hopeless.
I believed that change was possible, and that we were drivers of it.
I watched Trews, true news, news you can trust, Russell Brand.
I read Jezebel and pushed articles on radical ideas of changing poverty, improving feminism.
I watched shows that made me laugh and dreamed of writing them.
I never used to despair.

I never used to be sad.
Sure, occasionally I was down, and then up and then down and then up.
I was happy when I watched stand up. I was happy at work and then at home.
It was said I was an optimist once – that I cannot believe.
I would read in escapism, a happy tale with a happy ending.
I was confident and assured which led to fun and adventure, endless.
I never used to cry.

I never used to
I never used to
I never used to
I never used to
I never used to
I never used to
I never used to
I never used to

I never used to feel trapped in a system, an endemic cage of systematic oppression and perjury, purging the weak and disadvantaged.

While I could see the terror, I was never close enough to feel the heat of its breath
and the anguish of inevitably, inescapable.
Now I am one with the poor, the oppressed, share that mindset, that destitution of the lonely, the hungry.
The axiom of detriment being you are not that way because you are deprived, but you are deprived because you are that way, born that way. The deserving sentence of punishment for a pre-crime caught by the pre-cog submitted in report, with no minority.

Witness the utmost veracity in the irrefutable fact of violence committed against those unworthy of their abuse.

I never used to wreak havoc with the system.
I never used to be a thorn in the side.
I never used to hold a candle to the dark.

Perfection is tedium. Consistency is lifeless. The path we are on anticipates the death of many. Mental, Physical and Spiritual Deaths.

And we are all constructing the path together, knowing it leads to the abyss of anguish, agonizing over how we place each brick but rushing the job so we can make the most profit before we perish, buried with avarice, a shovel, and some dirt. Back from what we came. Making each of these trivial pursuits and malicious stipends, ripped from the mouths of babes, useless.

I never used to be useless.

I wouldn’t call myself advantaged.

I am entitled to my belongings, my house, my car. I have worked hard for what I have. If you do not have these things, I guess you have not worked as hard as me.

I was born in the right place at the right time. Everyone was. It is the way it is, because it has always been this way. It’s what we know, and therefore it is right.

I want and so I have. I was taught, and so it is. I deserve good things in life. I feel the world owes me something. I mean, come on, I am here. I have a mouth, and it needs to taste sweet food. I have ears, and they deserve music.  I have a back, and it should lie on something soft at night. I have eyes, they should see pretty things.

Of this I am deserving. It is my right.

I am a person. I deserve respect. If you don’t have respect, it must because you have done something dirty, repulsive, bad. The world is fair and just. You will be punished solely on your actions so choose wisely – as I have.

The sun shines down on me and the rain waters the earth. I experience no famine. I have never felt the thirsty draught. It is because I am righteous and I pray. I will always have bounty enough for me and my family.

Of this I am deserving. It is my right.

Oh you ignorant fools who complain that the world is unjust. There are people sleeping outside while others are squandering riches. You are stupid.

Everything is as it should be. The prosperous have offered jobs with pay, built houses and are willing to sell them, trade for exotic food so that you may taste the world. Stop being lazy and ungrateful and simply take what is being offered to you.

If you are poor, work harder. If you are hungry, eat. If you are unattractive, do something about it. You control your life. There are no external factors at work. Look at me. I have these things. I must deserve them.

My life is free of war, terror. I am a good person, because I do no wrong to others. I have not been bullied and things have not been hard.

Of this I am deserving. It is my right.

Clarity

My spirit is broken
I cannot weep
So long it has been
since I’ve had a thought
worth keeping.

The rain pours outside
a pathetic attempt
at pathetic fallacy
which could never be represented
by a thought but chill.

These fucking idiots
walking around with their heads
right up each other’s asses
doing what they’re told
and what the fucking system
preaches.

We need classical music
more than ever
to block out the
talking-tos
and the
trouble-makers
and the
trouble-breakers.

It’s about closing,
structure, imposition,
colonization and cages.
It’s about breaking but
not buckling
under the pressure.
The weight of the world
rests solely on you.

No one asks you
how you feel.
You don’t have a fucking
choice.
Freedom is a sweet illusion
in the cold clarity
of awareness.

Why not Wednesday?

Standing behind moustached girls to get coffee frustrates me.
It frustrates me that they have moustaches – why?
There is a strip of wax you can purchase at each and every drug and grocery
store.
It will remove the masculinity staining your face.
It frustrates me that they don’t know what to order,
and their primitive eyebrows make me grind my teeth
why are they here.  They don’t belong.  They don’t need to buy coffee
like me.

It frustrates me that they frustrate me.
Why am I bothered by this?  I of all people understand the
un necessity to conform to societal norms,
but their moustaches and their bushy eyebrows
arouse in me a sort of demented anger that can’t be explained
by simple
rationale.

It frustrated me that I needed to get to work,
and that the people holding up the line
were moustached girls, fat women, indecisive idiots.

Choose something and leave, I couldn’t help thinking,
so that I  may continue to my own personal hell
doing something that I never want to support

And even in the realization that my frustration may not come
directly from the dolts in front of me,
their inability to choose a coffee size,
their slow mind processes and the lack of care for those around them,

I am still frustrated by the girls with moustaches.