Why Not Wednesday

Part 2 to “The Path of Englightment”

I never whisper.
My voice is loud, a raucous disturbance, ever ignoring the “Shush!”
I am never quiet.

I never hesitate.
Words and ideas spill, tumbling out of my mind.
I eagerly share. I am most often right. I provide solutions.
I never keep silent.

I am always moving.
Desk work is not an option, only an afterthought.
I run, jump, jiggle and squirm, hum and tap my foot to music.
Or no music. There is always something, a magical force unseen, driving movement.
I am never lethargic.

I am always hopeful.
I believe that change is possible, and that we are drivers of it.
I watch Trews, true news, news you can trust, Russell Brand.
I read Jezebel, watch TED talks, push articles on ideas of radical change.
I watch shows that make me laugh, and I dream of writing them one day.
I never despair.

I am happy.
Sure, occasionally I’m down, and then up and then down but then up again.
I am happy when I watch stand up. I am happy at home and at play.
I am sometimes called cynical – this I believe, but I am always an optimist.
I read in escapism, a happy tale with a happy ending.
I am confident and assured. I lead friends to fun and adventure, endless.
I never cry.

I never will
I never will
I never will
I never will
I never will
I never will
I never will

I never will feel trapped in a system of, not an endemic cage of systematic oppression or perjury. I never will allow the purging of the weak and disadvantaged.

If I witness terror, if I am close enough to feel the heat of its breath,
the anguish of inevitably, inescapable…
I will escape. I will help others.
I never will be one with the rich, the oppressors, share that mindset,
that destitution of morality, the greed.
I never will believe that you are that way because you deserve it, but I will take into account what you have been deprived of, what desperate circumstances have brought you here. The deserving sentence being social justice, income equality, equal opportunity.

I may witness the utmost veracity in the irrefutable fact of
violence committed against those unworthy of its abuse
But I never will tolerate it.

I will wreak havoc with the system.
I will be a thorn in its side.
I will hold a candle to the dark.

Perfection is tedium. Consistency is lifeless.
I never will walk this narrow path they’ve laid
which anticipates the death of many.
Mental, Physical and Spiritual Deaths.
I will walk unafraid.

We can dismantle this path together,
knowing it currently leads to
the abyss of anguish
the hollows of hopelessness
a ditch of desperation.

I never will agonize over avarice.
I condemn these useless trivial pursuits and malicious stipends,
ripped from the mouths of babes.

That is never how you build a community
to love, to share, to support.
That is how you destroy a world.
That is useless.

I never will be useless.

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Why not Wednesday?

A note to those I have demonized

I no longer put myself in your shoes
I hardly see you as human

Your perspective is different than mine
and although I have the ability to see your side
I refuse to, for you do not attempt to see through my lens

My struggles become greater than yours
and I block out your troubles – big and small
You cannot suffer as I do

How fortunate you are! I see your wealth
and I see how easy things are for you
You do what you want, when you want
with little regard for my interests or even my
NEEDS

I do not empathize with you
You have created your life around you
You have control and power over your SELF
and if you are in a bad situation –
it has been brought on by your
poor decisions and lack of wisdom

You do not seek my help
and I avoid your input
You have poured toxic waste
into my habitat creating cesspools
of misery in my ecosystem
drowning my vigor and smothering my
ESSENCE

I am contaminated by you

I wear goggles when I am around you
that preserve my eyes while altering my vision
of YOU

You scare me

I no longer trust you
and I have felt for some time
that you do not trust me

A bond is broken

I no longer understand you
I no longer attempt to
You do not attempt to understand me
You do not see me as I am

You don’t hear me

Or is it that you don’t listen?
Communication has malfunctioned
The repairman is out for the day,
for the month, the year

I don’t know how to fix it

Or I refuse to fix it

I am tired of bending
I feel I have broken in so many places
I feel that I have attempted
to build a bridge between us
and that you have set it on fire

I am sensitive

I cut the bonds with those who hurt me
My skin is thin
I cannot take your criticism
I think you give it without consideration
of my ABILITIES, my TALENTS, my STRENGTH
I feel you give it unsolicited
I feel you judge me
and I will not hesitate to fight
fire with fire

I have judged you

I have condemned you

If you were a building
I would not enter

If you were a bed
I would not lie there

If you were a meal
I would not partake

If you were salvation
I would burn in HELL

You are a living demon
and if I have not cut you
out of my life yet…

I will.

Why Not Wednesday?

To all those F***ers who tell people to pray in times of trouble and think that you have done enough.

Sometimes “Godly” people amaze me. Sometimes I wonder if they have even contemplated what they believe in.

Whether or not you believe in God, He is a spiritual entity. If you are cold, he cannot warm you. You must light the fire. If you are hungry, he cannot feed you. You must put bread to your lips. If you are tired, he cannot give you energy. You must rest.

Christians sing, “Pray to God in your times of troubles!” They see that there are bad things in the world that are caused by people, that must be fixed by people. Yet, if you cry out, “I am in need of help!” they only respond, “Pray more.”  Your closest Christian friends do not offer to take you out for coffee; they do not offer a listening ear; they offer not a shoulder to cry on.” Yet they tell you to pray – as if you have not been praying every waking moment of your life.

It is easy to pray, it is easy to be happy when your life is full of riches, of close community and you live away from the sins of the world. They shut themselves out of reality and sing the praises of God without ever being tested. It must be nice. Maybe I’ll pray for that.

Why not Wednesday?

Absence.

I am the organizer

I am the planner

I’m the mom

I’m the hostess

I make sure that everyone is settled

Before I feed myself

I make sure that everyone’s happy

Before I’m ever pleased

I am the worrier,

Only for others

I will suffer at the expense

Of someone else’s happiness

I keep track of appointments

I always know the way

When you need something done right

You can come to me.

But the one time,
any of those one times,
that I will need something in return

Silence.

The response is never as fast

As the act that prompts it.

What is fairness and justice

If you expect something in return

anyway

Why not Wednesday?

As it comes round to hump day once more
I take a look at the week I’ve endured –
how many more days to go?

I sit in class and stare out the window,
sometimes wondering what I’m paying for…

Is it a degree? A piece of paper? Is it someone to tell me things I already know?
Because I feel like I could be pushing myself so much more.

I have so much more to learn,
why isn’t everything more of a challenge?

As I stand up in front of my class and
read my prepared speech,
I hear my voice quaver and falter, and I think,
“This is not me.”

But it is, and I am, and I always must be.

It’s time to shake off the nerves and participate in life.
I don’t have time to die poor, alone, and starving –
no matter what kind of artist I think I could be.